I am a forty-one-year-old survivor of childhood incest and sexual abuse that began upon the death of my younger infant sister, I was 2 years old.
It is paramount for me that all interested and taking the time in reading this, understand that I am not intent on being seen as a victim. I offer my history, my healing journey, and my present image as a mere credential as I have diligently showed up for myself to heal from my lifelong wounds. I spent my entire life outwardly seeking the love, understanding and acceptance that needed to come from within me. Having embraced my inner, fearless soul warrior of love and light, I am courageously removing the façade of my ego and baring my beautiful, kind, loving soul in the nude as an illustration of how we can all transform by way of healing. We can all proudly stand in our truth and embrace our authentic nature as the eternal divine beings that we are all equally created to be. My hope in sharing my unadorned truth is to inspire and motivate others who have been painfully suffering for way too long, as I had, and to assist them in finding their own divine healing intelligence. Through my unwavering commitment to heal from my own lifelong agony and find A WAY FORWARD, I can now offer my resolute commitment as a guide to show how anyone and everyone daring to take the leap of faith, with the abiding dedication of showing up for themselves, can do the same through their own personal healing and transformation journey. We all come from the same living universe and already have entirely within us, that is necessary for all to thrive on the New Earth we are here to create.
Although I have found forgiveness and gratitude for my upbringing, I have never been able to resolve the horrendous behavior with some claim to the cultural norm in Pakistan. I know that we must be unaccepting of such cruelty and toxic behaviors regardless of any excuse of heritage but in good conscience, I cannot blame my entire culture for the evil acts of a segment of the population.
Understand now that this vile experience is not the result of where or how I was raised, as this occurs globally in the form of human and child sex trafficking regardless of heritage and belief.
And their sense of futility, with the practical realities of their rehabilitation. Having lived through a very turbulent and toxic childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood, I simply could never accept the “God” I was supposed to be loyal and pray to.
In my eyes, that “God” was an extremely cruel, narcissistic, and evil entity, much like my father, who only thrived on torturing helpless children and punishing the sinners and disbelievers who did not constantly praise him. Therefore, I do not believe in “God.” At least not in the traditional sense of the bearded almighty man above sitting on his throne, dictating what everyone is supposed to be doing, and then penalizing them when they don’t
In my eyes, that “God” was an extremely cruel, narcissistic, and evil entity, much like my father, who only thrived on torturing helpless children and punishing the sinners and disbelievers who did not constantly praise him. Therefore, I do not believe in “God.” At least not in the traditional sense of the bearded almighty man above sitting on his throne, dictating what everyone is supposed to be doing, and then penalizing them when they don’t
Although I have never been able to embrace the idea of religion or “God,” I have always known that there is absolutely something out there, guiding us all along every step of the way in our immortal souls’ journey, commonly known as life on earth. Each of us, a spiritual being wearing a human suit, living on the third rock from the sun, in the milky way galaxy… only a speckle of dust floating in outer space, in the infinite almighty universe.
Along with becoming a beacon of love and light for others as I rigidly stand in my truth and authenticity, I am also a very enthusiastic little girl trapped in a woman’s body. The little girl in me is playful, wonderous and adventurous. She’s a curious cat; always meowing, purring, seeking, and exploring on an untiring quest to discover what that “something out there” called “God” really was. It took me (what felt like forever) until my late 20’s to successfully unveil the mystery. The cosmic being, most referred to as “God,” to me, is BOB! Now you may be in absolute disbelief, or possibly feel disappointed. Or perhaps now wondering who the heck is BOB? Why BOB? Where is BOB? And how to find BOB?
I have been told infinite times throughout my life that I need to get my “head out of the clouds”, “come down to earth” and become a realist who needs to live in the “real world” and “act normally.” I now have the strength and understanding to claim, without any apology or shame; I’m a square peg who is thoroughly done trying to fit into a circular hole. My needless efforts of trying to belong somewhere are far behind me because I know exactly WHO I AM, WHERE I BELONG AND WHY I AM HERE. I no longer seek outward appreciation, love, understanding or acceptance as I have painstakingly learned to give all of that to myself with the divine guidance from BOB.
I am a wholesome and majestic, idiosyncratic eternal soul, who is having a human experience. I was never meant to conform or exist within the norms of society. I brazenly march to the beat of my own drum while extravagantly singing and roaring the song of my avatar, which Taita Juanito’s sustenance helped me remember. I always have, and still tend to, irritate, and anger a lot of people. Never intentionally but because I’m a born rebel who chooses to rightfully not listen to anyone’s well intentioned advice, other than of my own divine guidance from BOB. I have a supernatural knack for triggering a great deal of jealousy and insecurity from every single egotistical and imbalanced masculine man and woman who has pretended to be my friend. These individuals that have taken advantage of my kindness mistook it for weakness, until I unmasked their façade that they’re unaware of wearing. I have chosen to love, honor and respect myself enough to gracefully exclude these destructive people from my life for the sake of my self-preservation. Fortunately, I have recently and masterfully learned the necessary skills needed to keep a safe distance from the toxicity of the ones I still must deal with, without feeling the inherent need to completely alienate to protect my precious divine energy.
My request to all those whose false ego identities were triggered by my exquisite authentic soul’s presence, and to the ones who kept their distance from me through my lifelong misfortunes, calamity, and hardships, is for that space to be DOUBLED during my BOB guaranteed success. I am eternally grateful for the teachings and experiences through them, but I’ve learned all that was necessary and so, I’ve sent them off in pure divine love and light – wishing them to heal and praying that they connect with their inner divine seeking solace at some point whether in this or another life.
To paint a greater picture of the healing and transformation I speak of, I like to use the term “growth opportunities” for soul growth that is defined as traumatic and therapeutic life circumstances. As you have read so far, I’ve been blessed with quite a few traumatic life experiences that I now see as therapeutic ones. The first very significant one occurred to me at the age of 31, when I was provided a cosmically magnificent opportunity of growth (my divorce) to awaken my inner divine – more commonly known as the soul. Since conception, my full awakening has taken an additional ten grueling years. These years have been filled with severe heartaches, pain, and suffering – not including all the ones listed above from the first 31 years of my not-so-lucky life.
For the record, I would never wish any of my torment on my worst enemy, but the feeling may not be mutual. Frankly it’s no matter to me since I have no fear because I am heavily guarded, divinely protected, and guided by invisible energies and forces that are not known to many nor will they ever even be close to prepared to deal with. Admittedly, there’s also a quiet comfort in me no longer feeling like I was the only one being tormented since I am only one of the millions of other impressively evolved, exceptionally empathetic, and divinely creative souls that are strategically placed around the globe. All on this same path of healing to create unique systems of their own callings to heal the planet and humanity, working alongside me.
Now ten years may sound like a very long time but since time is a man-made concept, it does not exist outside of earth. After recovering from my divorce, I remained in the cyclic subconscious patterns of self-sabotage and had plenty more to learn and unlearn through experience. This time, through an intoxicating and virulent three yearlong romantic relationship. Followed by a few more toxic friendships with women of the same monster, wearing a different costume that I created a safe, healthy distance from with a little help from the pandemic. I cannot even begin to put into words the countless blessings that came from this poisonous relationship, by way of my healing and transformation. But at the time, it catapulted me straight into another familiar dark and treacherous experience. We met in 2015 at the gentlemen’s club he frequented before and during our three-year relationship.
At the time, I deeply resonated with a butterfly who had come out of her cocoon after recovering from my divorce. But it didn’t take me long to realize the short life span and how fragile butterflies are. I was in my most stable place of practicing my lifelong independence. I was also in the best financial, mental, emotional, and spiritual states – or so I thought. At this time, I knew that I was a spiritual healer and a magnet for wounded souls as I emanated the energy of a healer, along with the essence of my own unhealed traumas, attracting that relationship experience. The misteaching’s of the “law of attraction” have caused confusion. It is not what we think or believe we want mentally to materialize physically in our lives, it’s WHO WE ARE AND VIBRATE ENERGETICALLY that manifests into our physical reality.
I had spent years working on my wounds to get to that place of the solace I was seeking but since my entire life so far had been one tragedy after another, while being in a tragic career at the time, I wasn’t so lucky in being aware of yet another self-sabotaging experience. I knew this man was a wounded soul who needed the loving and nurturing care of a healer, but what I didn’t know was that I was never meant to be his healer. “When the student is ready, the teacher appears” and we were both ready for each other’s teachings towards our individual spiritual growth. He was my newest and the only successful experiential teacher sent from BOB to show me the way to self-love, respect, and honor. And I was his teacher, though unsuccessful in my ways of making him see and believe there was a diamond under all his ruff. I saw his diamond clearly whilst regularly praying for him to be able to see himself with my eyes. He eventually did make great progress in his healing journey, even after our vicious and permanent breakup.
Unfortunately, the deep-seated trauma bond that we both shared, charged enormous chemistry between us and very rapidly sent us both off the deep end into the land of pure ecstasy and fantasy. I had not become aware of any of his umpteen lifelong addictions (addictions are only a symptom and a side effect of unexamined and unhealed traumas) until we were head over heels in “love” and I had agreed to give up my independence for the sake of having a real loving relationship and a partner I was so desperately wanting in my life. Most notable were his alcohol addiction, along with his deeply rooted narcissistic behavioral patterns. We were in a vicious cycle of break-ups and make-ups for a year straight until I was able to convince and guide him towards a 30-day holistic healing rehab facility to start working on his inner wounds. Boy what a wild ride that was! Shortly after completion of his rehab program and return, he moved into my home and the roller coaster ride continued for another two years as we were both equally intoxicated with each other’s ecstatic love drug. The rehab facility opened countless doors for him towards his healing, but it also opened up the “Pandora’s Box” he was in denial of his entire life. Our extreme highs and lows continued, but with longer periods of peace, love, and harmony in between… Sadly though, the progress we were both making was not sufficient for our “happily ever after” eventually leading us to part ways in 2018.
Being under his magical spell clouded my vision. I thought I no longer believed in the invisible forces that I always imagined and felt but couldn’t see or hear in the physical anymore. Little did I know that those forces were always beside me, helping and supporting me. Through it all, they were sending me unconditional love, healing, and protection while allowing me to build my spiritual stamina and restore the faith I didn’t believe existed anymore. I have nothing but eternal gratitude for everything that was trying to destroy my spirit because it only made me stronger, and now an indestructible Phoenix.
In the second year of our “Romeo & Juliet” love affair, having dealt with extremely toxic and unhealthy behaviors I was finally, for the first time EVER, sent a passerby human guide, Noah Rothschild (hyperlink) by BOB. He appeared on my journey to help soothe my suffering because BOB knew that I could no longer withstand any more agony without releasing some of the built-up pressure. I was at the point of my inner volcano erupting, causing mass destruction, or ready to blow the spark out so obviously BOB had to step in. That human angel, Noah, showed me a path I had never heard of, but was exactly what I had been seeking to find my entire lif
In 2017, I was divinely guided and brought to Rythmia Life Advancement Center (hyperlink) in Costa Rica. It was my very first visit “home” to meet BOB and my avatar. I had finally found my roots, my soul tribe that I had traveled with throughout many lives, and my human healer family in the flesh. This brought me the indescribable sense of belonging and acceptance without judgement. For two weeks straight, I was surrounded by luxury, beauty, nature, and unconditional love. I was fed mouthwatering soul food and immersed in healing from my lifelong traumas towards my journey of utter self-discovery. I participated in soul cleansing practices and healing modalities of self-care. I sat in several exceptionally sacred plant medicine ceremonial journeys in the divine presence of the world’s most caring healers. One of which is by far my most beloved and supremely esteemed shaman healer/teacher, Taita Juanito, along with his incredibly extraordinary team of shaman healers, who took on the selfless role as my “spiritual midwives.” The medicine journeys with yage have ever since guided my path towards helping me REMEMBER WHO I AM. And by the virtue of my first superbly healing trip – followed by a few more trips to Finca Ambi Wasi in Colombia, and then back to Costa Rica in attendance of “Heal the Inner Healer” at the Goddess Garden in 2019 – I have discovered my life’s purpose in this incarnation, and I remember my souls’ song that I am now very proudly singing four and a half years later.
Also, during that time, a few months after my first trip to Costa Rica, I was awarded another growth opportunity. I attended an accredited academy of hypnotherapy in New Mexico where I received formal training and certifications in hypnotherapy and regression work. I flew back and forth from New York to New Mexico every two weeks at the end of each session to be with my kids who stayed home with their father and my ex-fiancé in our family home. It was extremely challenging to go through the entire program and having to be without my kids, but it was a sacrifice I had to make to gain the knowledge I was seeking.
Well as beautiful as my going “home” journey sounds, it required me to do my part upon my return to the states of healing. I still had plenty more to learn, embrace and heal from while being in the middle of another perfect storm. So, like Alice in Wonderland, I went down the rabbit hole in search of the beauty and the light I was shown by BOB. To fully heal, I diligently worked hard to rip all my bandages off, peel my scabs and drain the puss out of the wounds I never gave any grace to. And because I’ve been an experiential learner my entire life, I chose once again to learn and heal through more of the hands-on experiences by staying in my intoxicating relationship. I couldn’t let go whilst knowing in every cell of my body that I had to. I stayed in resistance, not wanting to experience another loss of the only form of love I was taught. Again, I was replaying the same movie, only with a different actor each time. The incorrect definition of the only “love” I was subconsciously programmed with by my father that I knew was ABUSE but couldn’t live without since I hadn’t experienced anything else. Although unlike my father, he never put a finger on me. But he was unknowingly and unwittingly, abusing me in countless ways in his tireless efforts of teaching me to love, respect and honor myself. I just couldn’t let go because I still hadn’t learned what love really was yet and he wasn’t done teaching me that. I was addicted to pain and suffering, and he was my drug that I couldn’t wean myself off. So, I kept going back for another hit after hit of the high I craved, that we both craved. Subconsciously in another cycle of needing to heal from my father-wounds, my devoted soulmate played the most significant role in trying to show me how I was once again, hurting myself. My heart still aches over how hard he had to work to teach me the most difficult lesson of all time…that I desperately needed to learn…to love myself more than I loved him.
Unfortunately, it took me another very long year of tremendous heartache to move forward from that experience.
The saddest part of it all is that I, once again, didn’t love or respect myself enough to do it myself as I should have. I hadn’t built up enough strength and spiritual stamina to withstand the pain of losing him too.. So, my brave, courageous soulmate did what I never could.
Just as I started becoming comfortable in my fantasy, it became my worst nightmare EVER. I endured yet another, and by far the most traumatic, plight, that left me beyond enraged, wounded, debilitated, annihilated, and in absolute despair at every level of my human existence.
This caused me to lose all the faith I had spent decades accumulating. The man I believed to be the love of my life, who I worked so hard to guide his healing journey, who I couldn’t bear the thought of being without even for a moment, who was one of my greatest teachers of all time that I was in resistance of learning from, did the unthinkable.
He walked away from me, leaving me devastated and in shambles with no idea how to clean up or rebuild.
Apparently, I had to endure the unfathomable pandemonium because I was meant to figure out and create an easier path for others by learning to walk the lonely grueling path first.
In the process of me learning to stand and walk again, there came a moment when all my “unheard” prayers started to be answered… one-by-one… simply because I didn’t give up.
The load I was carrying on my perished body felt heavier than all the prior combined tragedies and traumas I had to survive in my short unlucky yet blessed life. I had completely given up on faith, in BOB, my beloved Taita Juanito along with my indigenous soul tribe, and especially in myself having literally zero desire to live.
I was ready to call it quits and for good this time after countless failed attempts in my youth and ongoing thoughts of during adulthood. But of course, as my luck would have it, there was no escaping the twilight zone of my own making – stemming from my subconscious patterns. I had three older children and now I was pregnant with my fourth child while being an unemployed single parent household with no real friends or family.
The only exception was my reestablished friendship with my ex-husband. He amazingly stepped up to be the crutch I desperately needed to use to get through the next chapter of my healing and transformation journey.
My little human angels have always been my one and only reason and inspiration to continue onward; crawling, walking, and running through hellfire. I truly believe I was granted children as an insurance policy from BOB to make sure I wouldn’t be able to escape or give up before arriving where I am today. In the absolute absence of my faith, I once again began my inward journey towards my inner divine because I knew of no other way out of the abyss of my sorrows and grief. So, I fell off the face of the Earth. I cut contact with the outside world in my blind efforts to rebuild all that I had lost and disappeared into oblivion without having a clue about how I possibly could.
After a few months of burrowing in my desolation and self-pity, I somehow gathered and borrowed all the courage and strength I needed from and for my children and me to once again, wipe each other’s tears (as we always have) and pick ourselves back up to continue our healing journey together through this inferno. We simply had to find A WAY FORWARD for the sake of us and the divine blessing in my womb. This was made possible by the unconditional love and support of my three beautiful beloved older children, my little shaman healer/human angel in my womb, my ex-husband (who has been my most reliable ally since our divorce), my sister before we had our falling out, and a few passersby acquaintances who occasionally checked up on me showing some deeply appreciated care and concern. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention a few heartfelt moments of healing from my ex-husband’s niece, Kate Barone, whom I’ve always admired for her brilliance, empathetic, understanding, and trusting nature. All of these bestowed blessings helped repair some of my affliction incurred when my younger sister turned on me, and stabbed my heart with a dull, jagged edged knife, as I watched, for the sake of financial security my ex-fiancé was providing for her family. Needless to say, she is no longer in my life.
I honestly don’t know which heartbreak was more devastating for me to endure. My own anguish or the grief I forced my little angels to endure as they lost their beloved father figure and stepsiblings while witnessing their mothers’ living corpse day after day. Being the healers that they are, they assumed the responsibility of nurturing me, in hopes of bringing me back to life.. AND THEY DID!!! BETTER AND STRONGER THAN EVER BEFORE. BOB knew that my children, my little human angel soulmates from many shared past lives, were the only ones who would succeed and guarantee my safe arrival in being the light that I now aspire to be for others.
So, I got on my knees AGAIN since I could no longer stand and started to pray and beg and plead with BOB (or the “God” everyone talks about) for someone in a physical human body to show up on my path. Someone who would hold the light and guide me the rest of the way because I simply couldn’t do it with my hypothetical broken arms and legs, and shattered heart, spirit, and mind. In retrospect, it’s quite comical that this mammoth life tragedy was an enormous blessing in disguise. As that experience ushered me to find my cosmic jackpot that I had been trying to hit all along. My colossal growth opportunity catapulted me in the fast lane and at an accelerated rate, towards the full awakening of the inner divine goddess within me that I was shown during my first visit to Costa Rica, by my deeply adored spiritual midwife, Taita Juanito.
With the dedicated love and support of my children and ex-husband, I just kept moving forward, hour by hour, day by day, week by week, month by month. I began cleaning out my metaphorical closet of wounds I had collected in this lifetime, and all the ones from previous lives that I brought into this incarnation. I was on my incessant quest to heal and transform so I kept seeking additional growth opportunities, but nothing like the ones I’ve described so far. My lifelong famine of seeking higher knowledge and ancient wisdom has guided me to countless places in search of the truth I needed to learn about myself, while eradicating the lies I had been told my entire life by all those who have brutally harmed and misjudged me for being so different.
Along with all the tragic growth opportunities I’ve encountered, I’ve been equally blessed with growth opportunities through formal and informal education in the mystical realms. One of them is having the acquired wisdom to create the opportunity to build a healthy, co-parenting relationship with my ex-fiancé whom I now refer to as the father of my innocent and cosmically magnificent daughter. I know that she needed her dad in her life just as much as she needed her mom, just like the opportunity I created with my ex-husband 10 years ago for our three children. So, once the toxicity was reduced to a minimum, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work in guiding my ex-fiancé to become the incredible father that our little angel deserved to have in her life. The complete opposite quality of my father because I refuse to pass the generational trauma and curse to any of my children. I’m not going to lie…it was far from easy. Especially feeling forced to put everything aside in a box…a box that I may never reopen because I just no longer feel the need to.
I must say though that it is truly mind-blowing for me to think that the one who left me perished, is the same man who has been one of my greatest allies and supporters ever since he met my little shaman healer daughter at 6 months old. He not only showed up to be in our daughters’ life to be the best father he can be for her, but he also showed up in mine and my other children’s lives. In his efforts of making up for what he subconsciously destroyed due to his own traumatic upbringing, he is now one of the most prominent actors in my tragic life’s movie. He ferociously fought to show me WHO I AM and never gave up until I did. He is now cheering for me, knowing I will succeed.
Moving on, in mid-2019, BOB guided me to a psychic fair at the Spiritualist Church of NYC (hyperlink) to connect me with my deceased grandmother through an incredible psychic-medium reader. Till this day, I do not have the words to describe how profound this experience was for me. I’ve been getting readings from countless psychics since I was 16 years old, but I had never connected with any, let alone with my most beloved family member. My phenomenal grandmother is my principal spirit guide, along with many others, who took charge of the next chapter of my spiritual growth. Truth be told, I inherited all my psychic gifts, my goliath strength, and my steadfast resilience from my grandmother. Also in 2019, I was blessed with the opportunity to dance with her at my last plant ceremony with Taita Juanito. Without trying to come across as haughty, I still blush feeling beyond special and wholly honored that I am one of nine, and she chose ME to leave her legacy with…ME! Little 5’4” Maria. I still have a hard time believing it sometimes.
As I was leaving the fair that day, I was shown yet another sign from my grandmother and BOB. It was a flyer advertising formal classroom training in psychic-mediumship at the Holistic Studies Institute (hyperlink) in NYC physically taught by a real-life renowned psychic-medium, Rev. Stephen Robinson. Naturally, I took a picture of the flyer and the first thing I did once I got home was sign up for the next 9-month course. This would be a formal setting for me to learn the necessary skills I needed to decipher the “insanity” of my lifelong imagination that I couldn’t understand regardless of how much time I spent over the years self-teaching. What an incredible, eye-opening, and overwhelmingly heartwarming experience that was for me. One of my favorite memories of attending classes as I look back is the pain in the butt student I was. Being the very curious cat that I am, with the avidity of constantly seeking knowledge, I asked a million questions that I’m sure drove my exceptionally patient teacher, Stephen Robinson, crazy at times. However, his patience and understanding will never be undermined as I have a great deal of respect and admiration for his knowledge base, the passion he has to teach, all that he knows, and for creating an incredible system that taught me everything I still needed to learn before coming into my full power to create what I now have.
By divine design, it took two very long years to complete my training to receive my certifications due to COVID, which was a blessing in disguise. Though having earned my credentials through my commitment to self and with the dedication of my wonderful teachers, there was another prominent moment that transformed my life forever. During my formal training, I discovered why it took two long years (for me at least.) I still had a lot to heal from to be anointed with the certificate titles that I now have and very proudly display on my office wall. Upon a request for the desperately needed help to continue my healing journey; my teacher suggested that I receive counseling with a spiritual healer and mental health counselor who also happens to be a co-teacher at Holistic Studies Institute, Rev. Nikenya Hall of Achieving Balance Counseling and Holistic Center, LLC. (hyperlink) Rev. Nikenya Hall tremendously and tirelessly assisted me every step of the way in my personal evolution. She helped me bring balance to my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical energies and leave my trauma perspective and enter into my soul center perspective so I could create something magical out of the nothing I believed myself to be. Lucky for me, she clearly saw all that I couldn’t.
My personal healing and transformation journey may appear to be a science fiction novel to some but it is my truth that I proudly own. I have finally reached the end of my lifelong quest of trying to REMEMBER who I am and WHY my inner divine chose to incarnate on Earth wearing a “human suit” during the time of a divinely orchestrated mass awakening. I discovered that I am only a miniscule part of the awakening process that is underway to bring about the New Earth.
Transitioning by the virtue of aiding in the healing of our desecrated planet earth (Gaia/Pachamama) that is in desperate need of salvation. The wanderers known as Starseeds, are an integral part of this perpetual and contemporaneous process that will continue to provide growth opportunities for our souls’ evolution towards spiritual enlightenment, which we are all (knowingly & unknowingly) eternally seeking to attain. Upon my REMEMBERING that I am indeed one of the Starseeds, my souls’ sacred purpose has also been undoubtedly revealed to not only create this system of healing and transformation, but to create more systems like countless others like me, in guiding humanity towards enlightenment and healing the planet Earth.
After decades of what I used to think I was aimlessly wandering and sleepwalking through my mundane life; go to school and work, have a career, raise children, be a “good” wife and meet all other societal demands. Unaware at the time that eventually this winding road would lead me to the deep understanding that it was all by design. It was necessary for me to acquire hands-on knowledge and experience of the outer world in preparation for the next phase of my far more grinding, hands-on learnings of my own inner world. I had to uncover the ancient divine wisdom already within me that I have spent many lifetimes collecting as an eternal being among billions of my brothers and sisters.
By way of the tireless, self-less and dedicated teachings, amidst my infinite invisible divine helpers and all my human guides (family, friends & foes alike, acquaintances, bosses, mentors, formal & informal teachers, healers, etc.), I am now wholly prepared and ready to share all my acquired wisdom and skills that I have gathered throughout the phenomenon of my souls’ evolution with my fellow divine immortal beings of all races and ethnicities around the globe. And for that, I have nothing but unconditional love and eternal gratitude towards every single person I have ever encountered in all my incarnations because each one played an equally significant role at one point or another during my journey of self-discovery and self-love that has unfolded my souls’ unique purpose in this incarnation.
It’s a personally experienced fact that I discovered through my trials, errors, and triumphs that sometimes “BOB will use our deepest pain to launch our greatest calling” to make way for the Wounded Healer to emerge. By means of scrutinizing our own darkness and facing our inner “demons,” the Wounded Healer brings out the light from within that emanates outward to illuminate the way for anyone and everyone who’s ready and willing to do the work in attaining the level of human enlightenment, which my soul is presently experiencing here on Earth. After having done the necessary level of my own inner work, by devoting the time and attention to acquiring the incumbent knowledge and wisdom,
Being a warrior of love and light, I have surpassed all the fear, shame, and guilt I had in undressing my souls’ armor (human suit) to share the self-mastery with other like-minded seekers and wanderers in alignment with my path. And with immense gratitude, everything that made me an outcast in society has prepared me to be one of the many leaders, leading the charge in the spiritual battlefield here on Earth.
What I now cite as growth opportunities are verily momentous, and devastating life circumstances that are divinely timed and orchestrated to bring about the full “awakening” of our inner divine. Such undertaking occurs over time, in many stages, and through infinite trials and errors recognized as “growing pains” in the human experience of physical growth, along with mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity.
The analogy I like to use to describe what I’m referring to is of a newborn baby whose human journey begins at conception, needing to incubate in the mothers’ womb for 9 months to safely enter the physical world. Dolefully, this doesn’t always happen because “safety” is never guaranteed. Next, starts the physical growth process upon birth from a fully developed tiny human – all the way to when the soul transitions back from the physical body, returning to its original essence of eternal divine love, light, and energy, known as physical death. I have never feared physical death because even as a young child, I somehow just knew it was simply the way back “home” to “mom & dad,” as in our divine parents, aka BOB. I am pleased to share that I have successfully secured my celestial prepaid ticket back and am very much looking forward to returning “home” to be with BOB again. But not until my work here on earth is concluded and my soul has accomplished the purpose(s) that I am immensely proud and devoted to be stepping into, in the company of abundant vigor and flawless determination that cannot be dismantled or unearthed by any opposing forces. My essential work has only just begun, and my assigned soul tasks are quite large in magnitude that will take me a few more decades to complete. Until then, I’m only permitted to periodically visit via my shaman healer and plant medicine journeys guided by Taita Juanito, so I won’t be permanently going back any time soon…SIGH.
Once my soul began to awaken through my earth-shattering conception, the journey of my soul growth along with all the necessary growing pains, also began. My inner divine had accumulated many wounds to heal from over many lifetimes that I brought along with me to reconcile in this incarnation. In my efforts to achieve spiritual enlightenment by way of having arduous lessons to learn that were taught by the divine parents, while unlearning the ones taught by earthly, familial, and societal conditioning and programming. Unbeknownst to me while in my spiritual amnesia (prior to my awakening), I experienced unexpected twists and turns that were escorted by danger and menace lurking at every corner and crossroad I came across. Hence, my journey has been anything but an easy one as it seems from the outside.
A decade or so ago, I adopted the motto that I actively and consciously apply to myself, “If it hurts, it needs to heal.” These pains are also known as “triggers” that are brought to our awareness for evaluation by others who make “offensive and hurtful” comments and statements to cause “harm” intentionally or unintentionally for the SOLE purpose so we can HEAL them. So basically, when someone says something to us that hurts our feelings or makes us angry, they are only subconsciously bringing awareness to the hurt already within our subconscious. Not because they are being mean at any capacity (even when it seems and feels that way in the moment, which it ALWAYS DOES.) They are simultaneously projecting their own pain onto us because injured people are also drawn to a healing spirit. Just like darkness is drawn to light, we too show up to be the mirror for them, IF they’re willing to investigate themselves.
Sadly, this is rarely the case among most of the humanity. Many of whom are living with the imbalance of either being in their masculinity overpowering femininity or vice versa. As we heal those parts within our subconscious mind that’s on replay, we literally stop attracting unhealthy circumstances and people that were responsible for showing us what needed to heal. It’s significantly important for us to realize that the ones who tested and triggered us the most were also the same divine souls who were strategically sent to set us free from the traumas and unhealthy life patterns that kept us stuck in toxic cycles and relationships. We must love, respect, and honor ourselves enough to at least walk away from them gracefully instead of judging, blaming, hating, or wishing them to suffer in return. We must send them love, gratitude, prayers, and healing that they desperately need for helping us overcome our own, licensing us to taste the sweet nectar of personal freedom and discovering our souls’ purpose.
During my most recent trip to Costa Rica (one of my visits back “home” to be with BOB) after attending my last soul journey in a celestial ceremony guided by my beloved Taita Juanito. I was granted the privilege to attend an additional healing service performed by one of the many wonderful healers there, who ended our session with a version of the children’s story illustration “The Little Soul and the Sun” by renowned author Neale Donald Walsh. While this story is widely known, I had never heard of it. This children’s story profoundly changed my perception of all the “villains” in my life up to that point. I strongly encourage others to invest the time in themselves to read or watch the narrated version to become enlightened by the same healing experience I had.
One of my major triggers (I only had what felt like a few million… and I’m certain there’s still a few more I haven’t been made aware of yet) that I’ve only recently healed from is when I’m told of how “lucky” I am to have all that I have and how “easily” everything comes to me. Now I graciously smile every time I hear it. Absolutely no one has witnessed the depth of my personal (external & internal) battles that I’ve had to fight while covered in “sweat and blood,” along with oceans of the tears I’ve cried, to achieve all I have accomplished in my quietude. Not even my highly empathetic, closest allies who are guiding me along my path of whom I unconditionally love, and respect know what I’ve endured… I know I’m not the only one because we are all fighting our own individual battles alone (at least physically, not spiritually).
Unfortunately, there are many parts of our healing journey that we absolutely must go through in solitude so we can hear and feel our souls’ cries, wisdom, and the necessary guidance to drain the “pus” from our wounds to heal. With that said, I presently know, deep within my precious soul, that I earned every bit of the abundance I have because I relentlessly showed up for myself. I did the grueling work and met all the mandatory requirements so I could live my very blessed life. The worst part of it though is that I had to travel a good 90% of my personal life journey alone, barefoot on broken glass and in the dark for most of it, not knowing that I in fact, never was alone. However, since I had to figure it all out on my own, I couldn’t see or hear anyone advising me of what I should or could do, how to do it, showing me which way to go or how to get “there” wherever “there” was. And even when I was seeing and hearing the signs my divine helpers were sending me, I had tremendous doubt in myself, convinced that I was “imagining” it all in my desperate attempts to believe in something that I wasn’t certain existed. Plus, all I really had going for me and solely relied on, until my first trip to Costa Rica, was my own intuition that, woefully, was derived in my trauma perspective.
I was broken in a gazillion pieces my entire life (until my human guides appeared on my path a few years ago), exasperated, resentful, regretful, worn out and spent. I was terrified as I stumbled, I fell backwards and flat on my face, I bruised, I bled, I cried and screamed (literally) in heart wrenching pain and agony (without numbing myself with substances), countless times with no one around to help me up. I was trying to find my way. Wishing and praying every moment of my every day that I didn’t have to.
If only I was lucky, but since luck wasn’t and isn’t in the cards for me, I took and will continue to take all the blessings in disguise and perpetually feel BEYOND BLESSED because I AM!!! The infinite times I’ve been told about how “lucky” I am in life has not been an easy thing for me to overcome because on the outside, it looks like pure luck and less than a handful of people I know have been interested in finding out or cared about what I’ve had to endure to earn all of what I now have.
I consider myself the richest woman I know, because of all the growth opportunities and the formal and informal teachers I have been blessed to learn from. In my short life full of rich experiences, having walked barefoot on broken glass, climbing the mountain I never believed I could, going through a very long and hard journey of pain and suffering, I have found all and more of what I was seeking my entire life.
The breathtaking, orgasmic view, and the astonishing perception I have, can only be seen from the summit and the only way to get there is to keep going up – weathering all storms while counting infinite blessings in disguise and feeling eternal gratitude towards all the luck I didn’t have. Having arrived at this stage of my healing and transformation journey, is what makes me the wealthiest woman on the planet, and I wouldn’t give up any parts that I have blessedly collected to bring me here in the now for anything. My deepest desire is to share all the wealth I have accumulated over the course of my life (lives) amongst the 7.5+ billion beautiful souls around the globe because WE ARE ALL ONE IN ONENESS.
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